Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Grandmothers can be boring

When I was a kid my parents shipped me off to my Great Grandmothers see this link to get a little background on her. I spent my time with her doing the following: watching Degrassi Junior High, Golden Girls, Beaches, Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune (you get it- we watched a lot of TV), eating, going to church, and talking to her old friends. I admit, I would get bored. As bored as I would get, I wouldn't change it for the world. I loved that woman (still do). I loved her so much she was one of the 3 phone calls I made when I got home from school everyday (my mom was first, then Nana, then Grandma 585-4841). My point to all this is: TLB and I are going to hang out kid free today. Mh1 is on Christmas break so she must go to Nana's house (this is HER great-grandmother). She gets bored there and TLB feels bad about sending her. I don't. Not at all. One day, she'll remember these "boring" days with her Nana and feel nothing but good about it and happy for the chance to spend so much time with her Great Grandmother.
On a funny note, mh2 has gotten into Ti Kwon Do (Lord help us), so I bought her a gi for Christmas. She takes the class once a week at good 'ol YMCA. It's for 1/2 an hour and it's taught by Mrs. Travis. Mrs. Travis is CRAZY. She is very demanding, she is very strict, and she is impatient (you should know the kids in the class are 3-5 years old). Again, Mrs. Travis is CRAZY but I LOVE IT!!! Kids these days need discipline. Mh2 needs the focus. I love what that crazy lady is doing so much that I went and told the Director at our Y branch how great she is. He proceeds to tell me , "Thank you for letting me know, but I'm getting ready to fire her." WHY? He says she is too serious and she is "too hard" on the kids. BULL CRAP!!! This is what is wrong with Americans. SOFTIES. Mh2 has never came out of the class psychologically damaged because she had to say, "Yes ma'am" instead of "yeah". She hasn't come out damaged because she was forced to stand still instead of run around the room like a crazy person. Idiots. Now I've spent $40 on a gi that will go useless until she is old enough to go with the older kids. Boo

Sunday, December 4, 2011

When vacations attack...

This show is so idiotic (it's on National Geographic). We actually watched a family go up a mountain to view a volcano that hasn't erupted for 600 years. Guess what happened? The volcano erupted and they had difficulty finding the mom. Two things I asked that TLB found funny, "Why are these people going on vacation to see this? If the volcano hasn't erupted for years, isn't it about time????" and I also asked (because of the missing mom thing), "Would you come and look for me?" These vacations are stupid (not to mention the guy that jumped off a 70 ft. cliff into 6ft of water)...they are stupid because my idea of a vacation is laying down.
Mh1 and mh2 have started taking Tai Kwon Do...I can't imagine how I will react when they actually do real things in their lives to make me proud. I say this because, when they do something like kick a punching bad (the right way), I actually got teared up. (I didn't let TLB see because I know that I'm crazy).
Did any of you all know that until I was five years old, I thought that I was going to be Madonna when I grew up? Seriously, I thought I was going to morph into her or something. I actually remember the devastating moment (in Kindergarten) when I had a thought that went something like this, "I can't wait until I am Madonna! It's going to be so fun....wait a minute....I can't be Madonna...I'm already Conni Jo....Madonna is Madonna." I was so sad. Kids have it rough.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

These are the kinda fans I got....

I recently received this message, "Little thing in life make me laugh and your blog is one of those. Could you PLEASE update at least one a week??? Just asking!!!!" Sincerely, Bossy B!tch" How many of you have fans like that? I must oblige...
Tonight I decided that I needed to get more into the Christmas spirit. To do this, I got on iTunes and started looking for Christmas songs to download. Mh1 started listening with me and helping me decide on which songs we wanted. You know your irritable when you are trying to do something fun like listen to Christmas music and you have to put in ear buds only allowing for one person (ME) to listen, while blocking out the rest of the chaos that I call family. (By the way, I spent $ picks are Celine Dion's O Holy Night, Go Tell it on the Mountain by David Crowder Band, One Little Christmas Tree by Stevie Wonder, Blue Christmas by Elvis and ALL of the Jackson 5 Christmas songs). Mh1 did pick Jingle Bells by Micky Mouse and friends. Too bad I was the only one getting to listen to it.
We got our Elf on the Shelf out yesterday. I started to read the book to them at breakfast this morning (it explains how "Elfie" travels back and forth to let Santa know how you're doing and all that), but instead of listening, all they kept saying was, "Can I have another biscuit?" and "Can I have another piece of bacon?" I slammed the book shut and sat in amazement as I realized I have discipline all WRONG...I need to start punishing them by withholding food.
I realized over the LONG holiday weekend that all a person needs to survive management of small children and tolerance of extended family is wine. Lots and lots of wine. Speaking of wine, I should have taken some in my travel mug when we went to Sam's today. For whatever, my mini humans decided this was a great opportunity to sing at the top of their lungs and touch every single item for sale in the store. I am not a big fan of PDB (kinda like PDA but instead of "affection" insert "beating", so I was resolved to whisper really threatening things in their ears like, "I am getting ready to take you into the bathroom" but then it got to the point that I didn't care who saw or heard me, and I straight up told them in front of God and everybody that I was getting ready to beat them down. Everyone (meaning the people I was threatening) laughed. I made them all stay in the car when I went into Kroger. Take that little kids. (Yes, CPS, their father was in the car with them...I punished him for their creation)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Things that I didn't know I was signing up for...

I have always known that I wanted to have babies. I don't remember ever dreaming about my career or wedding, but I remember always dreaming about all the little boys I would have. HA! God sure is funny.
Though I dreamt of children my whole life, I didn't not know I was signing up for the following:
1. Being woken up in the middle of the night by coughing. Why can't a mother sleep through a child's cough (from across the house- and I am talking about meaningless coughs not sick cough which really get me going)? Why can't I just sleep through it instead of my brain activating some Go-go-gadget hearing? Why does TLB sleep soundly through the coughs?
2. Having to say things like, "Who pooped in the bathtub?" and more recently, "Do not put lotion in your vagina" (for privacy's sake I will spare you the details of that conversation).
3. Going into restaurant bathrooms and holding small people over toilets so they can poop in them without touching anything in the bathroom. This is uncomfortable for all involved and it stinks.
4. How stressful it is to hear your baby cry (even if you know there is no reason). TLB still doesn't understand why I get all irritable when mh3 wonders around crying (her way of complaining) instead of ignoring her.
5. The constant worry.
6. I have always known that I am competitive but I did not know that it was to the point that on the outside I would congratulate my daughter for getting the second fastest run time in P.E. but on the inside I am planning her training schedule so that she can have THE fastest time next time. ***Disclaimer: she did have an ear infection when she came in 2nd place.
7. 6 is all I got right now
I have yet to start writing my philosophy of education as I discussed in my last post. Read Rick Monday's comments, he is a funny dude.
If you didn't already know it, Ann Coulter is my hero. Look her up.
TLB was passed over for FireFighter again. He'll get it next time. I'm still proud of him. You know how they are doing that whole "Occupy WallStreet" thingy (which makes no sense to me), I think I am going to get a petition together for TLB. It will go something like this....If you think that TLB would make an excellent Firefighter and you would feel safe knowing he was there to get you out of a burning building or perform lifesaving CPR on you, please sign this form. When I get around 300 signatures, I am going to take it to the Chief and make him realize that TLB is what the community wants! Too bad we can't vote him in.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Philosophy of Education

I am considering applying to get my Education Specialist Degree so that I one day can become a Bossy Britches myself. This would mean I would have a degree in administration so that I could possibly be a principal one day. To apply to the program I must write my philosophy of education. I have no idea what my philosophy is, so I thought I would just ramble on here until something came out that I could send to UofL.
I do believe that all children have the right to an education, but I also believe our struggling learners are taking up more resources than our advanced learners. I do not think it's "fair" that so much pressure is put on states/districts/schools to close the gap between the general population and struggling learners that we limit the extra time that we spend with learners that need to be challenged. (Who do you think the future of this country is?)
I do believe that without community support and parental involvement a school is destined to fail regardless of how great the school.
I do believe that getting training at UofL isn't going to make me a good or bad administrator. I know that the background information is important but I either got it or I don't.
I believe I'm tired and I'll probably put off the application a little while longer.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Liar Liar, Who's going to put out your fire?

First off, take notice of my poetry skills.
So, TLB took his polycrap test for the Fire Dept. today. Let me give you a little background knowledge. He has been trying to get on as a Fire Fighter for the past five years. He has tried his best and work his butt of and no matter what happens, I think he's the man. So, he received "inconclusive" results on 2 of the questions. One of those questions was regarding his use of illegal drugs. He admitted to them any of the stupid college age crap he lie there. He also received "inconclusive" on a question about illegal activity that he wasn't caught doing. Unless he breaks into cars and I don't know about it, he is ok there. Frustrating does not begin to describe how I feel for him. He is a hard working, honest, helpful, respectful, fit, kind person. Isn't that your cookie cutter Fireman? Oh wait, let me get more politically correct, Fireperson? For further clarification, the inconclusive results do not mean he failed the test, but it just feels bad. Bad because he's honest, and bad because if 2 stupid questions prevent him from getting his chance...that just sucks.
Funny story...someone I know (I will leave her identity annonymous for the sake of embarrassment) was driving her teenage daughter (16 years old) to practice this past weekend. This person accidently took a wrong turn, teenager responds to wrong turn with, "God you're dumb. Stupid b***h." When she told me this I actually laughed. I know people always have great ideas when they aren't the ones in the situation they are opiniating (made up word) on but I KNOW that this is what I would do.
1. Stop the car
2. Explain to child that I am so dumb that I am an unsafe driver and they should promptly get out of the car
3. Once child begins to protest I would continue to drive but go straight to my house (with or without child)
4. If child says anything else to me after I am out of public and in my house, I would hit them repeatedly about the face and neck.
5. You ask me what I would do if child did get out of car....I don't know and I don't care I would be at home
Also, you should know I wrote this post because I was commanded to do so by none other than Bossy Britches. A one month break was enough, I will start getting on here more. I really think the problem was that I thougt I would get on here and start making money for writing. When that didn't happen I because disillusioned. Just kidding

Monday, September 19, 2011

Google Voice

This means fun times for me. Look it up and then prank text your dad from your new phone number. These are the texts that I sent him,
"I'M WATCHING YOU." no response
next text..."SO, YOU LIKE HELL'S KITCHEN?" no response text..."NICE SOCKS" (if you have ever met my dad he wears these really ugly wool socks that my step mom has to buy from some flea market somewhere (maybe the black market) text...."HELLO?"...still no response. He's a stalker's worse nightmare. Next text...."SEND YOUR DOG OUTSIDE, I LOVE PLAYING WITH HER." Still no response. After I waited forever to get a call from my dad begging me to come over and rescue him the killer that is texting him I folded and called him. He hadn't even freaking looked at his phone (too busy with Hell's Kitchen I guess). I told him to check it and he said, "Oh hey, how'd you do that? The one about the dog is freaky." I'm thinking, my dad is so weird, but then I remembered that I set up a fake phone number to prank text.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Not so funny

I was told by Bossy Britches that it was time for a new blog post. I explained that I wasn't feeling too peppy, so I have stayed away from the blog. I am not a pity party whiney butt (most of the time), and want to keep the blog a fun place. So, while I was acting like a baby, I stayed away.

I'm back motha' truckers. (my dad loves language like that, you're welcome dad.)

Since the last post, I realized our burglar was not the dummy....We were dummies. Apparently people that are robbed go into some state of shock and forget to check and make sure they still have all of there valuables. Well, we were missing a lot more than a broken lap top. Good thing is, the person was caught and we will be getting some cash to cover some of our loss.

Funny kid story: All of three of the little people that belong to me were sick at some point over the last 2 weeks. Looking back on the disgusting sickness that plagued our home, there was a funny moment that at the time was more like a horror show. Let me share: It was right before bedtime and I was giving mh2 her antibiotic. She swallowed it and proceeded to say, "Mommy, my throat feels funny." I knew that meant one of 2 things....either her throat felt funny, or she was getting ready to blow chunks. How might you guess my luck led me? That's right. We started heading to the toilet. On our way, she went ahead and lost her cookies on the floor. I being the heroic mother that I am grabbed her around the waste (from behind) and yanked her backwards to prevent her from stepping in vomit. How do you think that having someone tank you around the stomach and pull you straight backwards feels??? Probably terrible, the poor baby just needed that extra tug to go ahead and ralph again. But she is a tiny little soldier that never cried once. I love that kid and her happy little self, even when I do have to gag while cleaning up contents of her belly.

So that you know our school district spent $810,000 this year buying fruits and vegetables for students to try at school as a snack twice a week. Let me be clear, this is not fruits and vegetables that go in their lunch. These are fruits and vegetables that are cut up and sent to our classrooms in the afternoon twice a week in order to let kids "experience" fresh produce. In case you didn't know...that's your money they're using. Your tax dollars at work buying cucumbers and low fat dressing for kids to snack on. Funny, mh1 was sent to school today with a baggy that contained fresh broccoli, cucumber, and carrot sticks. I would prefer to do the parenting while the govn't uses my money to go crazy and teach her to read and write. I wouldn't even be upset if they went all out and taught her how to do addition or subtraction.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

This is your brain

8/25/11 TLB and I came to realize that someone broke in our home today. Long story short, they were pill head drug addicts that live down the street from us. Well, we don't know that it was them for sure, but the police are pretty certain about who did it. Anywho, these dummies came in and got scared off before they were able to actually lift anything from us. After the police came and I walked around the house for a few hours, I went into my closet (I knew they had been in there), and looked around a little harder. I then realize that these idiots walked past the laptop, iPod dock, Nintendo DSi, watches, and jewelry to go into the closet and rummage through a box. In that box they saw a laptop and an ancient FAKE Coach bag (literally- I bought it at a purse party 10 years ago). Guess what they choose to steal over all of my valuables? That's right....a broken 7 year old lap top and a busted up fake Coach purse. Dummies.
The previous paragraph was written the evening of the is now one week past and I have come to find the doper wasn't as simple as I thought he was. Everyday we found more and more of our belongings missing. I think that the first night we were in shock and failed to really look for what was missing. I have been dealing with the aftermath for a week now and it is really consuming. It's unfair. The guy is in jail but the items of sentimental value that he took from us have admittedly been thrown in the trash. I know he needs help for his addiction but my Great Grandmother's jewelry and my mother's wedding band for whatever reason are taking precedence over his "problem". I am praying that God gives me the strength to forgive my enemies, and to value what is important. For right now I am ANGRY and I am mourning the loss of the items only I would find precious. I am disgusted to think about how he entered our house (more than once I should add) and walked through it as if it was his. He searched through each room and took whatever he wanted. He needs to be punished for what he has done, instead we are being punished by having to do things like set up a security system, find proof of what we claim are missing, search pawn shops, talk with police.
I haven't blogged because I want this blog to be a place of fun stuff and I haven't felt very funny lately. I am hoping by writing all this down, it will make me feel better. Maybe I just need a beer. Don't tell my sponsor.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Not much to talk about

Mh1 started kindergarten this week and she loves it.

I made it to the Y 6 times this week even though I went back to work. I was really worried my fat, lazy butt would get back to work and quit hitting the gym. Plus, I have a great workout partner that holds me accountable to get there.

For real, if I could quit eating things like icing, cookies, brownies, cakes, candy...I would be like 20 lbs. lighter.

I have no desire to go to the fair, yet TLB is itching to go everyday. I do not find $6 beers/cokes, $10 corn dogs, cow poop, giant pigs, shady roller coasters, or country music appealing in any way. I would rather lay on the couch and watch reruns of Entourage or True Blood rather than fight a crowd of teenagers smoking ciggarettes and fat drunk girls looking for a date.

I told a really rude person on the phone that I found their "condescending attitude more than offensive"....Later in the conversation he said (in a condescending tone), "Mrs. Lawn Boy, I did not mean to be condensation earlier." That made the conversation we had earlier almost worth it.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Lacking in that department

As a teacher, if you could only have one good quality, it should probably be organization. Anyone that knows me, knows that this is something I do not have. Everything from my refrigerator, hard drive, make up drawer, CLOSET, purse, car get the point. One of my favorite bloggers dedicated an entire post to her closet and how it is organized. For real? I don't get it. There are so many things that I would rather do than organize my closet. Things like...sit on the couch. Every once in a blue moon (like every 3 or so years) I get a wild hair and clean out my closet. The organization only lasts about 1 day (I'm serious) so I don't see the point. I only organize when I find it difficult to find things. Plus, I have kids that literally walk behind me as I am putting things in their place, just to pull something else out and throw it in a place it doesn't belong. So, this blogger makes my skin crawl. It doesn't make me feel any better to have a clean closet vs. having a dirty closet so I totally don't understand you annoying people that are like, "How is your pantry, drawer, car, purse, desk, entertainment ctr. like that? That would drive me crazy!" Oh shut up, I have a book to read or Big Brother to watch.

Family Vacation

A few days ago, at the last minute we decided to take the mini-humans to Great Wolf Lodge for a night. The place is ridiculously expensive but it is very nice. The kids loved it. I packed our bags the morning before we left and as we were driving down our street headed out of town, I had a fleeting thought...Did I forget my bathing suit bottoms? I ignored the thought and we drove 2 hours. Once we arrived, we ran to our hotel room and changed into our swim suits. That's when I realized I should have paid more attention to the things that pass through my brain. I had in fact, forgotten my bottom. So, I walked to the gift shop and asked the girl behind the counter where the cheapest bathing suit in the store was. She looked me up and down with her lip curled up a little and said, "Do you want a one piece or a 2 piece?" I replied, "I don't care, I just need a bathing suit that doesn't cost $100." I ended up finding one on my own and it was $38. That really made me mad, but what choice did I have? I get back to the room and just put those bottoms on with my top. I realized after a few minutes in the water that I needed a smaller size bottoms. I will spare you the details, but I looked down a few times (after feeling a draft) and realized that my "lady parts" were on display for all of the 9-year-olds in the wave pool. So, I was paranoid the rest of the day. The next day I rigged up the bottoms so that my lady parts didn't show anymore. The problem with my fix up job was that it caused the back of the suit to hang down. So, no longer were my "lady parts" showing but now my butt crack was all up in ere'body's vision. When it was almost time for us to leave this younger girl walked up to me and said, "I need to invest in a mom bathing suit like that." Wow. Not only am I practically naked but now I am wearing a "mom bathing suit". Next time I am wearing a thong bikini and I don't give a eff.

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Things you should never say to a woman

A man should never say something like, "You wouldn't believe all I have to do in the morning." Especially when the woman that he is saying it around, is the person that runs around like a freaking maniac with her hair on fire taking care of HIS children in the morning. For real, I know this lady that jumps out of bed, runs (literally) to the coffee pot, runs (literally) back to the bathroom and gets in the shower (she doesn't even have time to take a pee- she just does it in the shower.....I kid) so that she can have approximately 3.75 minutes of silence before answering really deep questions like, "Why do flowers grow in the grass?" or "Why is the neighbor going to work?". Once the questions begin in addition to the madness of getting ready to go to work/school the anxiety level sky rockets. So, men should never NEVER complain about how hectic their mornings can be.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

I really...

was just window shopping online and the thought occured to me, "Can I have those?" But in my mind I wasn't asking myself like a normal person does. I was imagining calling my dad and asking that question. Not that I would ever do that (now), I just remembered when I was a kid and that was all that I had to do. I found something I liked and I asked for it. Either I got it or I didn't. What is even funnier is that I thought life was so hard then. I thought that fighting with my boyfriend over a missed phone call was the end of the Earth. I had no idea I would become an adult and have to pay for things like the central air unit, dishwasher, washing machine, car breaks, oil changes, school uniforms, and toilet paper. I had no idea that my parents worried about me all the time. I had no idea how much they loved me while I was daydreaming about blue jeans and new make up.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


You probably didn't know that :

I sometimes make mental plans in case of alien or al-Qaeda invasion. I can't give you the specifics (in case you are "compromised") but it does include my stock in the pantry. I don't really worry about alien invasion but I do worry about terrorists. I know my first action (besides collecting the mhs) is filling the bath tubs with water. Then, I would get all the can goods together and we would hit the road. I can't tell you where but it's a pretty good place. If the roads somehow were unpassable, we could walk where we are going. It might take a while, but we would get there.

Pesto is my new favorite condiment but I'm not sure if it's supposed to be used as a condiment

I still like Sarah Palin

I do not like the ocean or sand but I love laying on the beach

Sixteen Candles was my favorite movie since I was 5. It still is. Does that mean I have some maturing to do?

I ALWAYS freak out the day before I have to take a test. For some reason I always predict that I will do terribly. (This is because I never do any type of preparation for exams). I just took the Praxis for my new certification. I paid $120 to take the test and I didn't study at all. The night before the test I freaked out and just "knew" that I wasn't going to pass it. Once I get to the test and they say, "Begin" it's like a switch comes on in my brain and all the anxiety is gone. So, I don't consider a person that has test anxiety, I am a person that has anxiety from not being prepared. I will get the results in 4 weeks. I have no idea how I did. I knew the stuff, but it was all essay and who's to say that whoever is reading my answers agrees with my thinking or writing style.

I am super pumped to get back to work. I am so blessed to have a job I love.

I call my daycare every once in a while just to check on the girls. I am freaked out thinking that I won't be able to do that for mh1 at her new school anymore. Before I know it, she'll be in middle school and high school. Crazy

I read an article that a friend suggested and it made me think of how many times a day people will stop me (when I am with the girls by myself) and say, "Wow, you've got your hands full." As if they feel sorry for me. I don't really get it, because it's not like they misbehave very often (in public at least). A man the other day said, "Look at all those helpers you have." That was so much more kind for the girls to hear. I don't want them to ever think they are a burden to me.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Be nice to you

I just finished reading this blog article. I LOVED it! It was so right on. A lot of women I know are always working on losing weight or getting in shape. If they somehow fail it is because they didn't not have the one essential component necessary for their journey. Believing in themselves. My friend Amber gained a few pounds over a few months. She was telling me how disgusting she was and how gross she was and blah, blah, blah. I asked her if she would ever say anything like that about me (being gross and disgusting, fat or ugly). Of course she wouldn't because she loves me. Why then, is it so easy to talk to ourselves in that way? Why is it ok for me to call my arms "bat wing arms" when I would never say anything like that to anyone else out of fear of hurting them???

So, ladies (and gents) it's time to STOP the negative talk! It's time to get out of the shower and get dressed without criticizing various flaws that make us all so different and special.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Liar Liar Nook on Fire

My Dad got a Nook for Christmas when they first came out. I am a huge book nerd so I never really wanted one. I thought I would miss the smell of books and turning pages. Then, my step mom suprised me for a Nook for Christmas this past year. I was not dissapointed. I don't know how I have lived the past 29 years without an electronic reader. Anywho, my Nook stopped working a few weeks ago. (Note to self: you cannot have nice things if you live with mh2). I called Barnes and Noble and explained that it doesn't work anymore. They narrowed my problem down to the battery. I didn't have the heart to explain to the sweet man with a beyond thick Indian accent (not like Dancing With Wolves Indian accent, more like Slumdog Millionaire Indian accent) that my Nook may have been dunked in a bath tub. A replacement battery is on it's way, hopefully my reading time can (insert the opposite word of cease (I can't remember what it is)).

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

No EMO kindergarteners....

Mini Human #1 will be starting kindergarten in a few weeks. How did the time go by so fast? I just spent about $130 online buying uniforms and a backpack. That is 130 bucks that I don't really have but that I was excited to spend. What really blew my mind is the fact that for her entire life, I have picked every single thing that has been purchased for her to wear (besides gifts). Tonight, I liked the LL Bean with owls on it. She wanted the plain pink. My control freak inside was screaming, "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! YOU SHOULD GET THE CUTE LITTLE BACK PACK WITH OWLS!!!!" Even though I know what she likes better than she does, I ordered the plain pink pack. She even chose the type of monogramming she will have on the pack. She is now counting down the days until her new back pack arrives in the mail. That's pretty cute.

I have this strong opinion that parents that do not let their kids pick out their own clothes develop "emo" kids (see pic if you don't know what that is). My dad let me wear whatever I wanted to and never said anything about it except, "You should wear more dresses". In turn, I never tried to wear things to "express" myself. I dressed pretty weird compared to the girls that I ran with, but I was never goth or emo. Though, Dad was pretty disgusted when I came home on my 18th birthday with a hole in my nose. He always said that I would "grow out of it". I never did because it isn't something that I did to prove anything. I got it because I liked it and I still do. If I wasn't a 30 something mother/teacher I would wear it everyday. The reason I don't wear it is because there really are 30 somethings that have nose rings that got them to be cool or because they freaked out when they turned 30 and did something trying to keep a grasp on their youth. I got mine when I was young, and it was weird to have a nose ring, I don't want people to think that I am trying to be cool. If you ever see me out on a Friday or Saturday night when I don't have mini humans with me, I will probably be wearing my nose ring. I digress. Let your kids wear what they want (as long as the BBB is covered....that would be boobs, butt, belly) so they don't end up looking like little buddy when they turn 15.

Also, TLB took a picture of me with mh3 and I had bat wing arms in the picture. WTH??? Don't I work out everyday? Why do I have saggy backsides of my arms? I would rather have saddle bags (which I do) because they are so much easier to hide. I just figured it out...Maybe 30 somethings get nose rings to distract people from their aging bat wing arms. I was on to something before I even knew it.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What a difference a day makes

I was determined not to have a day today like I did yesterday. I should have mentioned that the girls were being good yesterday, I was just in a funk. I should also mention that I do get time to myself everyday when I work out at the Y. My little pity party was short lived and I did not move away from my family so all is good.
Anywho, today I had a plan. We would stay busy and I would make sure that they would all lay down at the same time for their naps. My plan was flawless. After breakfast we packed up and went to Kroger. I left them in the car while I ran the groceries into the house (don't worry they can survive the heat in the car for like 15 minutes...I kid...I left the air on). I got back in the car and we drove to the Y. I worked out for an hour, we all got back to the car and I went through Mickey D's drive thru. They were stoked. We drove straight to the boat dock (the splash park there is AWESOME!) and ate our lunch on the grass, while I simultaneously applied sunscreen to the litter of children that belong to me. After they ate, they went straight for the water. We spent 45 minutes cooling off and having a good time (NO FIGHTING!). We drove home, took off wet clothes, and laid heads on the beds!!! Everyone is now napping and mommy is feeling much more succesful (today) at this thing called motherhood.

How do stay-at-home-moms do it?

You know those mothers that just up and leave their families? Those bad, bad people! Yesterday, I felt like I could relate to those awful women. I actually considered the fact that I have a teaching license that will allow me to work in pretty much any state that I want. I fantasized about getting in my car and driving until I found the place that I would start my new life. Who thinks about stuff like that? Hopefully I am not the only one. I am hoping that it's just that I am willing to talk about it. You ask, what was going on? Why did you feel like that? Well, my kids were just getting on my last freaking nerve. They weren't doing anything especially annoying or out of the ordinary, I just couldn't stand looking at them or hearing their sweet little voices. I started to think even more about it and realized that I am probably not a very good mother. I think I am an efficient parent but as far as mothering goes, I'm struggling. When I think of mothers, I think of nurturing and patience. I spend 85% of my time making corrections. For example, I have only been awake for an hour and I have spanked one child and sent her to her room. I have also had to make another child get down from the breakfast table and pick up food that she was dropping on the floor. Keep in mind mh3 is still in bed. And, what it all really comes down to is that I haven't had a moment to myself in about 2 weeks (literally not a moment, they freaking follow me to the bathroom...I am not kidding). So, when TLB got home, I went to my room and closed the door. I got in bed and went to sleep for about an hour. After I slept, I got dressed, got my stuff together and left. I barely said goodbye to any of them. I drove to Florida and went directly to the beach. I wish. I actually drove to the chiroprator. (Which, went much better this time). I left Dr. Back Fixer and went to my Dad's. Dad knew that I was having a pity party and we ate LaBamba's and went and saw The Tree of Life. Do not waste your time or money on this movie. That was 2 1/2 hours of time that I could have spent wishing about living alone on a deserted island, instead I was spending the whole time trying to figure out what was going on in the movie. I still have no idea what it was about.

Today, I wake up feeling refreshed. I feel like I might have the energy to parent. We'll see how that goes.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Chicken Dinner

I found this recipe and made it for dinner last night. It was very good. I made mixed veggies and couscous along with it. The meal cost about $6 and we had plenty of leftovers. No, I did not buy an organic chicken...I paid $4 for a chicken that probably lived in a chicken coup without any light while being pumped with antibiotics and steroids. Yum. And, for your information I did not buy it at Meijers (that is an inside joke for one of my rock star readers).

As far as eating organic goes; yes, I appreciate the idea but I live in the hood and my Kroger's organic section consists of frozen veggie burgers and about a 5 ft. section of produce. And, I don't even think that produce is really organic, I think it's a consipracy just to guilt me into spending more money (like recycling). I also do not have the time nor the patience to drive to Whole Foods every week. Rainbow Blossom is closer but it is very expensive. I will just continue pumping my children full of mass produced produced, milk, eggs, and meat. It's better than McDonalds, right?

Friday, July 8, 2011

Chiropractor adventures

I have been having some back pain. I decided I was either going to seek out heavy narcotics or go to the chiropractor. Being that I enjoy my life drug free, I went with the back dude. Plus, my Dad has been seeing a chiropractor for a little while, and if he's doing it, it must be ok...The issue with my dad is that he never mentioned the torture that you must experience. I get there and Dr. Back Fixer asks me some random questions about my pain, then he does the examine. This consists of me standing in front of him and bending over as far as I can (I should mention I am in pain and find this difficult but I also have the flexibility of cinder block so I can't bend very far anyway), me laying face down while he runs his hands up and down my spine, pokes around the problem areas, attempting to lift my leg over my head (see previous comment about pain and flexibility). Did anyone catch that first thing I had to do? Yeah bend over in front of Dr. Back Fixer while he stood right behind me. Weird. Funny thing about me is I don't give a crap. If he could promise that my back would be all better I probably would have done that naked. After I got x-rays, he laid me face down on a table and proceede to press, twist, and stretch me in ways that I did not think were possible. He also said several times in a way that was directed to me but kinda under his breath, "Wow, you're really tight." Again, I could be disturbed by that comment, but I don't give a daggone as long as I'm fixed. Dr. Back Fixer popper my spine at least 20 times. That is weird. By the time I left there I felt worse than when I arrived. I had it in my mind that I would leave there pain free. I left there in enough pain I felt like I was going to vomit. On a funnier note my dad was in the waiting room with all of my kids and my niece waiting for me. He almost had to spank mh2. I find that sad, not because she doesn't need it, but because it would have broken his heart to have spanked her. I don't know why that child pushes the limits soooo stinkin' far. She is probably going to be one of those kids that I have to send to boot camp.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Let's talk about cell phone plans.

I do not find it to be a coincidence that cell rhymes with hell. Why on Earth do we find ourselves dependent upon our cell phones? Like, if I leave the house without my cell I either go back and get it (risking being late to work) or I get to work and call the Daycare from the land line and let them know that I forgot my phone, and to call my job if they need to reach me. Really? What did my parents do in the good 'ol 80s when they probably didn't even have call waiting on their landlines?
Anywho, the reason I feel like I am in cell phone Hades is because TLB needs a new phone. This means, new contracts, more money, long conversations with customer service, research on the internet, arguments with said husband, and blood/urine samples. Why??? When did cell phones become so darn necessary. Like, holy crap what would we do without being able to check Facebook while sitting at a red light? Or what if I cannot text TLB to ask him what time American Idol comes on? What would my Dad do if he did not get tweets from Michelle Malkin on a regular basis? WHO FREAKING CARES????????
Bottom line, today is TLB's birthday so I called Customer Service got a new contract for might as well be 10 more years, he got a new phone, and all is said and done.

Thursday, June 30, 2011

The perfect vacation

I was doing pilates at the Y yesterday (me and pilates is a whole 'notha post) and the instructor (who is fabulous) was talking about how she is going on vacation next week to Great Wolf Lodge. She was kinda playing down her trip "because it's not Florida or anything". I said, "Well, vacation is not really vacation when you have little kids". I really mean that, but not in a bad way. When I think of vacation, I think of me laying on a beach, drink in hand. I only get up from said location to eat, cool off in the water, or let water. Furthermore, it is only a vacation if the people in close proximity to me do NOT require me to do anything in order to sustain their survivability (this can include TLB). Now that I have defined vacation for you, what we have done in the past is take the kids out of town. They definitely have a good time, but it is an extraordinary amount of slave labor for me. Knowing this, I told my friend that I want to go on the annual week long camping trip with her family next year. Yes, I said WEEK LONG CAMPING. Really? I know I'm crazy, but that might be stupid. Anywho, it sounds like fun enough and mh3 will be over 2 by next summer. I might be able to handle it.

One day, I will convince various family members to take care of the mini humans while I go on a real vacation (I will probably invite TLB). If I fail to find various family members to care for them, I will contact Kentucky Department of Human Services to inquiry on foster care.

More on me & my first experience with pilates at a later date.

That is all.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Are all families as crazy as mine?

How many of you all can go to your grandmother's funeral and be privy to see your cousins cussing each other out? Well, I didn't actually get to "see" it (I was busy mourning the loss of one of the best women in the world) but I heard about it. Thing is...I love everyone is my family but I do wish they could all get along (in my Rodney King voice).

Onto a different thought in this busy brain of mine...My cousin and I were talking about how you have to be careful about who you are talking about on your blog. He made the suggestion of blogging anonymously. Funny thing about that for me is; I'm too narcissistic for that. Why would I write if I knew that no one knew who I was?

New thought: Who is watching Falling Skies? Anyone? I'm getting ready to start watching it with a big 'ol bowl of ice cream. I am also all alone (mini humans and lawn boy in bed). Ice cream and peace...I'll feel like I'm on vacation.

New thought: I don't want to live to be 97-years-old unless I am of sound mind & body. And, sound mind translates to being relative to how sound my mind really is now. Dude, I'm pretty coo-koo for cocoa puffs now, imagine how crazy I'll be in about 60 years.

New thought- no injuries were sustained in the canoe trip on Saturday. Though, TLB, proceeded to climb a ridiculously tall tree and swing from a rope into the water. See that picture? I obviously didn't marry him for his brains.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

In their defense and other random thoughts

-I make jokes about the mini-humans all of the time, but really they are excellently behaved baby girls. How am I be sitting at my kitchen table, jamming to Lissie, drinking coffee, and writing this blog while they all play together in the other room? Because they are good girls (granted they pull eachother's hair or pinch eachother every other minute, but as long as they aren't bothering me...).

-I finished the last assignment for my summer course last night. Once the grade posts, I will have a Master's Degree in Learning & Behavior Disorders. Once I take the Praxis on July 18, I will be officially certified to teach students with LBD. I feel so relieved to have this degree complete!

-I am thinking of a friend who's husband is having some serious health problems. I am definitely in prayer for her.

-Go to the zoo on an overcast day. For whatever reason it's not as crowded. I don't know if it makes a difference for the animals or not, but yesterday was a good day to be there.

-TLB and I are planning on a canoeing trip with friends on Saturday. Last time we went I almost broke my arm (for real, my arm got pinned in a weird place in the boat when I was trying to kick us off some rocks and TLB had to use those giant biceps of his to lift me out of the canoe), the time before that, our canoe tipped so many times that both sides of my legs were covered (I am not exageratting when I say covered) with bruises. So much so, when we were on vacation a few days later, a lady on the beach stopped me and said, "Honey, you don't have to take that." That's funny. TLB abusing me? The only abuse I endure is when he tries to make the canoe trip "more exciting" and that's when we end up tipping and I get banged up. He promised me this time, he would make more of an effort to prevent me from being injured.

-When I was at the hospital visiting my grandma, we were talking about how my grandma has lived a long life (to 98!) because she lived a healthy life (no drinking or smoking). My cousin and I continued to talk about the strong genes that my family seems to have. I see things in my girls that have been passed on for generations. My cousin responded by saying, "Conni Jo, evil is strong." We are also a funny group of people.

-My Nana doens't speak to her sister. I have no idea why. Their rivalry has been around longer than I have and probably longer than my Dad's been around. I can't imagine not having a relationship with Baby S. She is the only person in the world that can truly relate to my childhood. She knows me. She loves my crazy kids as if they were her own. Plus, she's just plain 'ol good to me. For instance, she has kept the mini-humans everyday this week so that I could go to class. That is 4 kids to take care of when you count my niece (I told you she's the bomb dot com). Not only did she care for my youngins' she mopped my kitchen floor. That's sisterly love.

Keep it poppin' Pimpin'

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

What are you doing with your life?

Better yet, what am I doing with my life? When I get to the end, will I be able to look back on my life and feel satisfied with it? By "it", I mean, will I be proud of the way that I lived my life? I hope so. My great grandmother (if you would like to know a little bit more about how I feel about her read this) is nearing the end. She is old and it is her time. My step mom asked me how I was doing. I really am fine with it. She is 98! She has bad hearing, bad eyesight, difficulty chewing and a mind that has been slipping away from her for quite a while. It is time for her to go Home. It is time for her to go to Him.

I am so lucky to have had 31 years with my great-grandmother. Who knows their great-grandmother as well as I do? Who had the opportunity to be loved by someone as wonderful as she loved me? I am sad for my grandmother and my Dad but I am happy for my great grandma. She has looked forward to this for as long as I can remember. She is the one who I would call and ask her all the questions that I had about The Bible. I remember I heard about how terrible the end of the world would be when it came, and she told me, "Jesus will come like a thief in the night. There is no point in worrying about it." She also explained to me that because I believe that Christ died on the cross for my sins and rose from the dead that I have been saved. I believe her.

Kiss the people that you love and tell them you love them.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Flag Day

This holiday probably means nothing to you, but to me it means a lot. My Dad shares his birthday with Flag Day. This year he turns 51. He was 19 years old when I was born and I wouldn't be who I am, without the guidance that I received from him. My Dad gave me the following things:

  • my ears

  • my height

  • my sense of humor (funny or not, it's from him)

  • my toes

  • my hair

  • my eyes

  • my hands

  • my conservative ideals

  • my understanding that children need rules and regulations to feel safe

  • my confidence

  • the ability to make fun of myself (one of his best nicknames for me is "skinny", anyone that knows me knows that "skinny" is far from what I am)

  • the ability to make fun of myself walks hand in hand with my self confidence

  • the love I have for animals (our dog Pearl Jam was the best he drove to Atlanta to rescue her from some guy that kept her locked in a cage all the time. Also, one time I went on an incognito mission with him to scope out a mistreated dog that he later stole and gave to someone that would take proper care of it)

  • stuff (car, house, ect.)

  • love

Happy Birthday to the best Dad in the world. My Dad can beat up your dad.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I want to know Victoria's Secret!

My darling sister (Baby S) got me a gift card to Victoria's Secret for my birthday. Note that my birthday is March 18, and yesterday was June 10. I really don't have time to shop for such things as pretty bras. Plus, for the last 5 years of my life I have been wearing nursing bras, so nice underlings (is that a word?) wasn't a priority for me. Besides, all babies care about is that the milk bag is there, not what it's wearing. So, my friend Kristie and I ventured VS to do some work for these pancake titties of mine. I also had a coupon for a free pair of panties and $10 off. I was given strict instructions from Baby S to try on every bra they have until I find the right one. With my instructions and Kristie in tow I walked up to the VS lady and told her what I was there to do. She offered to measure me, obviously I am immodest so we did that right in the middle of the store. Then she radioed to, Natasha, the "bra specialist", my size and told her that I was headed to the fitting rooms. As I am walking back there I wondered to myself if you have to have an advanced degree to be a certified Bra Specialist. Anywho, Natasha was gorgeous and spoke with a thick Eastern European accent. By the time I tried on the 20 bras she demanded I put on (literally 20 and literally demanded, like this, "You put this on give you poosh up"), I was confused about what I liked and didn't like. Natasha was brutally honest and she remembered perfectly what looked good and what didn't fit. I should also note that she barged in the fitting room anytime she felt like it. She basically told me what bra I was to buy and then led me to the panties. She asked me what size I wore, I told her and she said (remember to use your thick accent), "No no no...that's naught yar zize. You go try on." My reply, "No way. I've been in there for too long already, I'm not trying on panties." She says, "You try on here in store- over clothes." So, I pulled on panties over my shorts in the middle of VS. I also accidently pulled them up a little to far and it pulled my shorts with them. My cheeks were hanging out the bottom and I proceeded to drop it like it's hot as if I was the Sun Drop girl. I had to make sure they were danceable. Natasha barely laughs and says, "I tell you, that zize naught fit you. You wear dis zize." I want to be best friends with Natasha.

***If you don't know what I'm talking about when I say Sun Drop girl, please watch this video. It is soooooo funny. Don't let me crack a Sun Drop open out in public...folks would be getting embarassed cause I would be dropping it like it's hot, fo sho.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Crazy (shouldn't all my posts have this title?)

It is 10:11 am and this is how my morning has gone so far....
Wake up, start coffee part, relieve my bladder, break up a fight, wash dishes, start load of laundry, break up fight, start making breakfast, go get baby and clean up poopy butt, set table for breakfast, write note to babysitter, get everything ready for lunch and dinner for babysitter, break up another fight, clean up baby that has eggs, strawberries, and cream cheese all over her. Keep in mind I woke up at 9:00. All that in one hour! Believe it or not, that's not why I am crazy. I am crazy because just now, I got online to check my email, and I read my favorite blog and she has announced her pregnancy. She described how she found out and I was all like, "Ahhh, I want to be pregnant and have a baby." Whaaa??? These are the moments when I talk to myself like this, "Self, I'm bout to pimp slap you for talkin' all that crazy ish. You got a sh!t ton of kids runnin' aroung the crib trying to put you in Our Lady of Peace. Don't be crazy self." The thing is, as crazy as my girls make me, and as busy as I am, I am very happy with my life. I love that these three mini-humans are mine. They are bratty little turkeys but they are sweet little angels all at the same time.
So, now I have 40 minutes to shower, get ready, pack all the children in the car, pick up sitter, and go. This is why my post is titled "crazy", cause that's how I roll.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Public Service Announcement for the 30+

Some people turn 30 and realize that they are no longer 21. I was one of the lucky ones that didn't care that I was 30- Somehow I forgot that I used to be able to do/have the following things:

-perky breasts

-the ability to drink a ridiculous amount of alcohol and work the next day (not that I want to do that now, I just get amazed that I was ever able to do it)

-tanned legs 365 days a year

-the ability to walk in 4in. hills for hours at a time

-the freedom to lay around the house for 12 hours without changing a diaper, feeding another person, or breaking up a fight

-no money but no bills

-the abs that allowed me to wear bare midriffs (yeah I was one of "those girls")

-a job at The Body Shop to allow me to have enough clothes that I never wore the same thing twice (be warned the dress that I wore to a wedding on the 14th will be delightfully repeated on June 4 at a different wedding)


The "things" that I have gained since 21:


-3 mini humans

-my niece

-a dog

-an awesome job

-the completion of college

-too many awesome things to list

Now for the PSA...I realize that I am one of the lucky ones that is blessed with plenty to be thankful for. I realize that some girls my age weren't so lucky to find a good man. This does not mean you ladies should run around town trying to relive your 20s with someone else's man. You are 30 now. You are grown. You should be like me and find pleasure in poopy diapers, snotty noses, and daycare payments. ***Let me also note that no one has been sniffing around my man (that I know of).

Now, that I am thinking about girls trying to get with other people's men, I am thinking about Sister Wives. In all honesty I get it. Who wouldn't want to share the day to day responsiblities with someone else? Dude, I would so share a house with another woman if she would take care of the following chores that I hate:

-cleaning the front of the cabinets doors

-dusting fans

-dusting air vents

-putting away landry (I can wash, dry, and fold it if she will put it away

-vacuuming base boards

-making lunch for the week (can I get a sister wife that will pack my lunch?)

-changing the sheets and washing them

-pluck my eyebrows

-windex the mirrors

The only problem is that I am not willing to share my man. He's mine. Plus, I think that the emotions that I exhibit are all that he can handle. Adding another woman for him to deal with might drive him over the edge. I say that, but then God gave him 3 more women to take care of.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Deep Thoughts

1. How in the sh!t does a mother "forget" her two-year-old in the car on a hot summer day? Oh yeah, I know...dope. And, don't get me wrong. I get it. Like right now, I need to be up cooking dinner but I have only enough energy to punch the keyboard (for real- I'm laying down right now with my eyes closed...I hope that my ability to type without looking at the keyboard is as good as I think it ;alkjs;lieuer). So, if I did crack, coke or meth, I could do a little bump and jump up and cook the dinner, bake cookies, clean the house, and wash the dog (but really do it this time). Unfortunately, I do not have the funds to do dope nor do I have the patience to deal with the kids when I would have to deal with the hangover. I really shouldn't make light of the fact that a child died because his mother was on drugs. In all actuality she has already punished herself.

2. Having bad body image? Stop looking at celebrities because they're not real. Check out this . While I'm on celebrities, who gives an eff that Oprah had her last show? Not this girl. Though, I would care a whole lot if I ever got to go on the show during "Oprah's Favorite things".

3. My main man (well, my only man) works hard for the money. He is walking in the house right now soaking wet from the rain (how do I know that since my eyes are closed...I had the energy to open them for 4 sec. to look at him).

4. Remember those baby land mines from this post, well, they have escalated from just making the babies take naps to now screaming things at the "sleeping" babies like, "Dora! CLOSE YOUR EYES!!" or "Bunny! Did you move? "

5. I will finish my degree in Learning & Behavior Disorders this summer. I am now considering going back to school in the Fall to get a degree is Education Administration. This would mean I could potentially be a principal one day. This also means, I would have to take about 10 more classes, spend a lot more money, and time away from my girls (and man). The thing is, I have been going to school since 1985 with only a small break from 2005 to 2006. I have more schooling the average person, yet I am probably going to keep going. I question if I really want to go back to school or if I somehow attach my identity to being a student and learning new things. God, please holla' at me and let me know what you want me to do.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Today was (is) a good day

How wonderful it is when your man lets you sleep in while he takes care of the mini-humans? It's pretty awesome. I didn't wake up until 9:00, which is rad but that also meant I only had a 1/2 ire (that's how it's pronounced so why spell it h-o-u-r) to get out the door to make it to my Bootcamp class at 10:00. Why is it that facing an "ire" of running my @ss off doesn't scare me but the thought of running my @ss off trying to get 3 mini humans fed breakfast and out the door to get there in time is enought to possibly call the Dr. for a script of xanax? I did not make it to Bootcamp but I did get my car washed and the dog washed.

I went with some awesome chicks last night to see Bridesmaids. That flick is the funniest ish I have seen in a long time. I highly recommend it. While we were there my friend told me as a punishment for her kids (for fighting with eachother) she made them "hug it out" in the backseat of her car for 5 minutes. Now, that is a smart woman. It makes me want to encourage my girls to fight so that I can make them do that! Is that wrong?

The movie Rush makes me want to be a drug addicted NARC (as long as I was Jason Patrick's partner).

I have puppy fever. It's either that or another baby. TLB isn't ready for another dog because he takes care of Pisces and I guess he thinks that he'll end up being responsible for the new dog, too. That would be too much for him to handle. I mean what do I expect from him? I only have 3 kids to be the primary care giver for...he has a WHOLE dog to take care of. I really am being unfair. But really, I did wash the dog today to prove that I am a worthy dog care giver. Don't tell him that I only washed the top of her body and her legs. It's too much work to get underneath her body and her head.

Monday, May 16, 2011

SA (Spanking Anonymous)

About 6 days ago I decided mh1 was getting too big for spankings (don't get confused though, I am not opposed to punching once she is a teen). She is getting ready to start kindergarten and she really is old enough to see logic and consequences. Anywho, stopping spanking cold turkey is tough. I need a support group. Have y'all ever heard her smart mouth? Anyway, I was working my 12 steps really well and everything was going spank free, when I almost had a relapse. It all went down in the car. The girl yelled at me (because I would not let her roll her window down), "I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND!" I only did what any mature mother would do in that situation...laughed. Well, that really got her going. She started screaming as loud as she could. I began laughing even harder because it was either that, or lose my ever loving mind. Just as I was thinking, "I really am done with spanking her" mh2 says from the backseat in a voice that I can only describe as "peer pressure", "Mommy, you need to pull over and whoop her butt."

I think I need a sponsor.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

When the dust settles

Mh3 has been sick for the past 5 days. This has made my week a whole lot of hectic, but lucky for me, her Big Poppa (my dad) stepped it up and has been helping out. I ended up taking her to the doctor today (even though I "knew" it was a virus, that couldn't be treated) because my Dad said, "Honey, you don't want to make the same mistake I did." Let me explain this comment to you, because this is one of the cases of child abuse that I was subjected to as a kid. When I was in 8th grade, I came down with an illness that forced me to a bed. The sickness not only forced me to bed (for 7 straight days) but it forced me to my Dad's bed (with him it). This is because, I was too sick to be left alone. My Dad wanted me to tough it out, sleep it off, shake it off, rub dirt on it, and whatever else, but basically he was waiting it out. Obviously I survived the illness, but the funny part about it is that I must have had a raging fever (that was going unchecked) but at some point I rolled over and faced my Dad (laying next to me, watching TV) and looked him in the eye and said one word (with a straight face). That word would be, "Evil". I then rolled over and went right back to sleep. Thank goodness it was my dad and not my Grandma. She might have ran out of the house and gotten a priest or something. I have no memory of this, but it still freaks me out to think about it. And, it must have freaked him out or he would not have convinced me to take my baby to the Dr.

Back to the title of my post. I am sitting by myself for the first time today. I have been awake for the past 14.5 hours and I have had a child by my side the entire time (except for the car ride to and from work, that of which I was on the phone probably talking about the sick baby). After the kids are in bed and when the dust settles I begin to realize how quickly my day goes and how crazy my days are. Children are tough to care for. I left the doctor's office thinking, "They should be prescribing valium for mommy as they are writing the script for amoxicillin for baby." But I survived the day, and look forward to a new one.

And, some of you saw my Facebook post yesterday and read that mh2 prayed for God to, "Give Daddy good muscles." I am not kidding, today, mh1 prayed for God to "Give Daddy strong muscles." HELLO RANDOM KIDS!!!??? Daddy's muscles are getting all the prayers...If we are going that random, can't you pray for mommy to get perky breasts or a house keeper?

Monday, April 18, 2011

Scary stuff

  • I saw a bumper sticker today that read, "Islam is faith, peace, and security". Riiiiight.

  • I cleaned out 1 closet this weekend. Guess how many bags of clothes I am giving away....5. And, yes, you read correctly, that only came from 1 of the closets in my house. I have so much unnecessary stuff that would be a contender for Hoarders, only I don't hoard.

  • TLB told me today that he does believe in "soul mates". Ahhh. I asked him how he figured it out. He said he was out cutting grass and he saw a girl walking through the parking lot. (yes, that's a period)

  • But really, after we laughed, he said, he doesn't know if there is such a thing as soul mates, or love at first sight, but he does think that God plans for each of us to be with a certain person, and whatever that's called, is what we have.

  • mh3 started in the one-year-old room today at Daycare. She has been walking for a week now, and she still seems to small to hang in there. She didn't last long today because she ended up coming down with a temperature and she was so fussy they put her back where she was comfortable in the infant room until I got there. This is scary because, I don't understand how the past year has gone by so quickly.

  • On April 27, 2011, it will be 10 years to the date that I met TLB. When I look back to that time, I realize I was just a girl then.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Some things you don't know about me...

1. TLB and my Dad get on me because I totally give homeless people beer and cigarettes. I always think that if was that hard up all I would probably want is a buzz. As a matter of fact one time at Kroger I saw this man digging through the ash tray in front of the store and it was freezing butt cold outside. He was looking for cigarette butts that were still smokable. I went in the store and went to the service desk and asked for the cheapest pack of cigs they had. I paid and turned around to walk back outside and give them to him and he was standing right behind me. I was at a loss for words because I didn't want him to know I bought them. So, I just walk off. Then, I decided I would give him the cigs....I walked up to him and it went just like this-

me- "Excuse me sir?"

dirty-stinky- hairy- homeless guy-that-was-just-looking-to-smoke-used-cigs, "Yeah?"

me- "I found this pack of cigarettes on the ground and I don't smoke, do you want them?"

dirty-stinky- hairy- homeless guy-that-was-just-looking-to-smoke-used-cigs, "I don't smoke that brand." (imagine him saying this to me while he has this really disgusted look on his face).


Instead, I just walked off with my tail between my legs. A few minutes later, I took my receipt to the service desk and got my money back.

2. If we ever take any kind of group fitness class together, and I don't know you, I am probably competing against you (in my mind). This especially happens when I do Zumba or Bootcamp. During Bootcamp I pick whoever I think the fittest girl in the class is, and that is who I try to keep up with. I might be a little bit competitive and this keeps me motivated!

3. When I was a little kid, I did not know what I wanted to be when I grew up. This is because, all I ever dreamed about was being a mother. How many people do you know have their dreams fully realized (times 3)?

4. My new band I am digging right now is Citizen Cope. Check it.

5. I am really tired of the whole, "I am a drug addict because I have a disease" thing. Especially people that have kids that they don't see, don't love properly, don't care for, or abuse.

6. It drives me CRAZY when TLB dips the butter knife into the peanut butter and then dips it in the jelly and there is pb in the j. He is one nasty mo fo.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Funny things about rich people

I had the great honor to turn in my the gift certificate TLB gave me for Mother's Day 2010. It took me a year to turn it in because I find it illegal (I mean inappropriate) to leave the kids in the car while I run in and get a massage, so I had to wait until I had the opportunity. Upon entrance to this lovely establishment, I was greeted by a tall, gorgeous, blond, receptionist that barely looked up from her computer to say, "Hello, Welcome to Joseph's. What service are we providing today?" This is in a voice that is so sickly, syrupy chipper that I threw up a little in my mouth. I am all about being pleasant, but only as long as it's with sincerity. For instance when she said, "We are glad you're here." I obligingly replied, "Thank you." and she replied again with, "Great." I need you to read that again....Now you're with me. She said, "Great" for no freaking reason other than she thought that she had to keep talking and really she was unable to multitask (as she was checking me in and looking at something on her computer), so she just threw the word "great" out there. It was weird. Once I was back in the salon, they asked me to go to the restroom and change out of my clothes into a robe and sandals. The runner told me to get as undressed as I am comfortable with. Well, anyone that knows me knows that I don't really get uncomfortable, so I was left with a dilemma. Do I take my granny panties off or not? Well, I did. I was free ballin' under that robe. I even had to go back to the waiting room for a minute like that. There was another lady in the waiting room waiting for her service. Something about people from the East End keeps them from making eye contact with people of the likes of me. She had on a fatty diamond and high heels. I wore nike flip flops in there. Then this 60 something year old East ender walked in there and she didn't make eye contact with me either (though she did request a "hot tea" from the girl that told me to get naked). I was kind of insulted, but really I didn't care because I was basically naked and afterwards I thought that maybe they were avoiding me because they were afraid a milk bag would fall out. Weirdos (and I include myself in that). So, I got my massage and honestly the conversation was better than the actually rub down. It was not worth the $ and I will definitely only be getting massages as special occasions. One more thing, on my way out (back at the receptionist's desk) I overheard this woman trying to decide if she should get this $25 paddle brush. Apparently they only had one more in stock. Come to find out she didn't have the money but she would later in the day and asked her to hold the brush for her behind the desk. She also asked the receptionist to go ahead and schedule a "polish change" for the following Thursday. I wanted to pull her aside and say, "Look stupid, you don't have the $25 you "need" for that brush, but you are going to pay someone to change the color of your nail polish? Get a life, and get some self worth." Sad people. I was happy to walk out of there in my nike flops and t-shirt (and greasy hair from all the oil they rubbed all over me). I was looking a hot mess for real. The highlight of my day was when I went to the mall to eat lunch. I placed my order at Sbarro and the cashier asked me if I was a mall employee, I told her I wasn't, but she still gave me the discount!!! I think she appreciated my honesty. What a nice lady. I probably should be offended by the fact that she thought I looked like a mall employee (kinda like being given the senior citizen discount when you're not a senior) but I was pumped to save $1.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The evolution of fun

Let me take you on a journey of how "fun" has evolved for me over the years.... When I was a toddler, I probably thought it was fun to make messes, eat cookies, and poop in my pants. When I was around 8, fun was riding my bike around the neighborhood (alone- I was a weird little kid), and reading books (again alone). When I was around 13, fun was BOYS. I liked talking to them and about them. When I was 15, fun was playing basketball, playing softball, and BOYS. When I was 18-21 fun was my college dorm room, keg parties, and ridiculous amounts of Segram's 7. When I was 21-25 fun was bar hopping. When I was 25-30 fun was taking care of babies (I'm pushing it with that one). When I was 31, fun is driving to get dinner at the Skyline Chili that is in the parking lot of the mini-humans' pediatrician (that they know very well). As I am pulling in I tell them, "I hate to break it to you, but you have to get shots today". I let them freak out a little bit and then, I pull up to Skyline. That's fun. Suckers.

Friday, April 1, 2011

The "fair" comes in August

You are cordially invited..... to join me while I have a pity party. I just found out that my friend from work had a bouncing baby boy. That is so exciting because this is her 4th baby, the first 3 being girls. She did not know what she was having throughout the pregnancy and the anticipation of not knowing was SUPER exciting. Today she delivered a healthy boy, and I am super pumped for her. Now, onto the pity....I want a baby boy. I love my girls and wouldn't trade them in for 10 boys (well, maybe mh1) but I want a son so badly. Why is it that I am so suprised when I find out that people are having boys??? Like, "They had a boy? What a shocker! How could they have a boy if I didn't have a boy?" I mean, isn't there only two possible choices (excluding the possibility of hemaphrodites)? Luckily for TLB, he has already been neutered or I would at this time be begging for another mini human. Being that, we do not have that option, I need to visit other avenues. How about adoption? TLB says we are not having any more children. No fair. Crazy much? That is what I should have titled this post. I know I am crazy, ungrateful (I always get mixed up so x-squeeze me if that should be "ungreatful"), and irrational, but my heart won't let it go. OK, thanks for coming to the party but now I am onto brighter topics....SPRING BREAK!!!! Yeah!! Someone today asked me what I was doing for Spring Break, I explained that I have no plans, but I am looking forward to a particular 6o minutes of the break. That will be when I am laying on a table having all my stressed massaged out by a certified professional at Joseph's Salon & Spa. I am so lucky! I also have some gift cards from my birthday to spend. Spring break is looking pretty awesome so far. You may realize that I have deleted a previous post. It isn't fair to leave that up. What if that person happened to read my blog and it hurt her feelings. Even though she has hurt my feelings for what seems like a lifetime, I would never want to make her feel bad about herself. Also, mh2 told me today that if you run a red light you will be put in time out. I asked her who would put us in time out if we did run a red light and she explained that's what school buses are for. Huh...and all this time I thought those kids were headed to school, who would have thought they were part of a massive traffic control system.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

32 years

(Oh wait, actually it's 31 years. See, I'm getting so old I can't even remember how old I am.)

I remember when I was a teenager, I wanted a really cool car. I can't remember what kind of car I wanted, but I remember thinking, "I don't want to wait until I can afford it. I want it now because by the time I can afford it, I'll be old." And, the reason that I didn't want it when I was "old" was because I knew I would be old, and it wouldn't matter what I drove because old people don't care. Now that I am "old" -I remember thinking this. I thought that once you got old you didn't care about what you looked like, drove, ect. I guess I thought that once you got a certain age all you did was sit at home and watch TV (Dad, I wonder where I got this idea). So, I knew a "cool car" would have no relevance to me. I must admit I must have been a pretty insightful teenager, because what I thought was true (somewhat). Now that I am a senior citizen, I don't care about having a "cool" car but it's not because I don't want to be cool. It's because I care about other things. I care about less superficial things (don't get me wrong, I still care about the way I look just not in the way that I probably did as a kid). Now I drive a really cool station wagon/mini van. I bet my teenage self is gagging on a credit card and taking it to the mall.

31 years:
1980: born
1981-84: Not many memories except for this crazy red head kid in kindergarten named Regan, girl if you're out there, please look me up. I want to know if you're a genius now or menace to society
1986: Baby Sis born. Lifelong friend.
1988: Dad joined the Navy
1992-1994: Middle school, puberty at it's best. Boys, basketball, and best friends is what I took away from middle school. Dad got out of the Navy, moved in with him
1994-1998: High school, boys, basketball, bestfriends, driver's license, Spring Breaks, Shakespeare, MawMaw passed away, first job
1998-2000: left home for WKU, parties, mixture of independence and dependence
2001: First apartment, met TLB April 27 at the Chow Wagon
2003: Purchased the house I lived in with my Dad from my Dad
2003: Engaged to TLB
2004: Married to TLB
2005: Bought the house we live in now/ Graduated with Bachelor's Degree
2006: MH1, and found/started my career
2007: MH2
2008: Master's Degree
2010: mh3, joined HBC
2011, March 17, 10:13pm, 2 hours until D day, I mean B day...sitting on couch while TLB sleeps in recliner, mini-humans sleep safely in their beds, dog lays on floor, content with life....31 isn't so bad.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Things I need to do...

1. Lose 5lbs.
2. Quit eating cupcakes so that I can lose 5 lbs. (though I did finally give up putting sugar in my coffee(today), I am headed in the right direction
3. Go to the nursing home and visit my old Grandma
4. Work on my portfolio so that I can finish my degree this summer (this is so boring and redundant that I would rather do anything else, like a million loads of laundry, or 100 loads of dishes, or dust a lot of furniture, or change a bunch of doo doo diapers, oh wait...I already do all that)
5. Write a letter to Lady Gaga (can't I just send her a message on Facebook, I mean, we are friends?!) and tell her that I was really upset about not being able to go to her show this past weekend, but that her and me is like a bad romance cause of her ticket prices.
6. Quit daydreaming every single day about the bills that I am going to be able to start paying off when mh1 is out of daycare in June
7. Pay for my zoo membership before March 31 so that I can save $5
8. Find something really nice to do for someone and do it
9. I will have 2 free classes that I can take after this summer. I need to figure out what it is that I want to take. Should I start working towards being a school counselor, my ESL endorsement, or what? I don't know!
10. Get a pedicure
11. Get a hair cut (can I please get a style somewhat different than what I have been dealing with the last 31 years)
32. Write another letter to someon else...I'm not sure who, but I am in a letter writing mood. And why did I type 32?
13. Mop the kitchen floor, I honestly don't know when the last time it was mopped. That little baby I have just crawls all over it, too. What a great mother I am.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

2 Timothy 4: 1-8

Brother Gary delivered the message at church today. It was very eloquent and inspiring. I found it especially applicable to me this week. I take notes every week at church and I never do anything with them. This week, I decided I would blog about what I learned, the notes I took during service are in black and my comments are in red.

In Paul's last letter to his son, he encouraged him to Remain faithful and to finish what you started. He gave the following directions for accomplishing such a task.
1. Remain faithful
A. To the charge
-Preach the word
-convince (I was faced with this challenge this week. Someone told me Christians were stupid for believing in something that they could not prove and someone else talk me christians are lazy because we choose to pray for those that suffer instead of sending money or traveling (to Japan. I totally missed my chance because I find myself at a loss for words)
-exhort (preach with encouragement)
-endure affliction
-evangelism (lead people, tell them about Him, be busy about the task, simply tell/talk/share, the Holy Spirit does the rest (I love to talk, shouldn't this be easy?)
B. To the Truth
Desire the sincere milk of The Word (I really do, I want to learn more and more)
-Endured heart, hold up to what is right and stomach it, stand on it (I struggle with this as well, it is so much easier to believe what I want to rather than face the truth)
-Tuned ears
C. To the Lord
-His appearing (he will return) (How awesome/scary will that be? Why do I hope that I am with my girls when it happens? I only get nervous about it when I think about not being with my babies)
-His Kingdom
-His judgment
2. Finish Well
A. Departure (we are all going to die)
B. Journey
C. Reward (we don't serve to get a reward, we get a reward not because of what we've done but because of what He has done). I get it now, but I always thought that if you were "good" you went to heaven and if you were "bad" you went to hell.

Those that stand with Christ will be persecuted (as He was persecuted). Why? Why is it ok to call a christian stupid or lazy because of what we believe in? Am I prepared for the times when I really am persecuted? I don't feel like I am. What if I can't stand up for what I believe in? What if I falter? What if I am now?

Saturday, March 12, 2011


-I have started to try to catch it (when I remember). It's a decent enough show but I'm not sure if pop music is the best way to capture teen angst. The best show ever to demonstrate teen angst is dag on My So Called Life. Loved that show.

-TLB's grandparents celebrated 60 years of marriage today at a surprise party. How wonderful is that? I asked his Grandpa, who is a hoot anyway (everytime I tell him goodbye whenever we're together he always says, "Glad you got to see me") what the key to 60 years is. His proceeded to tell me once you get past 35 years, it's all easy. Wow, that's inspiring....only 29 more to go for us and we are all good. But really, because of them, I have the family that I have and the children I have. They are great people and I am really happy for them.

-I whooped TLB at a little one-on-one basketball game this afternoon. He made me go left and I drove straight to the hoop and scored all up in his grill. I won 10-8, who's your mama?

-mh1 is going to be 5 years old in a few days. Life goes by so fast. We usually don't buy birthday presents for the girls. This is because they get so much from the rest of our family. It's too much really, so we don't buy them anything. I think a party is plenty. This year, I went ahead and bought her a gift. TLB thought it was too much, but I am so excited for her to open it. I think she is really going to like it. It's a Nintendo DSi. How many fights do you think that's going to cause between the girls?

Thursday, March 10, 2011


I love that word. Anywho, let me tell you that if you preface a comment with, "I hope this doesn't offend you..." it probably will, unless you are talking to me. I don't really take offense to much of anything but today a colleague of mine said, "I hope you don't take offense to this but I think anyone that believes in God is unintelligent." Wow. How do I even respond to that? I like this person a lot, and it made me feel sad for them. These are the kind of people that I try to prepare myself for. These so called "intellectuals" that have been hurt at some point in their life, or made bad choices and feel alone. But, I found myself unprepared. I don't want to scare this person off, but at the same time, I wonder, "Would you say something like this if I was Muslim or Jewish?" Hecky no they wouldn't because it is far more socially acceptable to make fun of Christians. It's really sad, and I wish it didn't catch me so off guard.

Random thoughts:
-My sister is probably going to upper cut me to the chin because I forgot I had a meeting tonight and couldn't make it to kickboxing. If you are reading this, Sis, sorry!
-Teachers get paid plenty of money for what they do, but we do have a system that is not holding parents accountable for raising their children. I do not get paid enough to be a teacher AND raise your child.
-My friend just got her Yellow Fever vaccine for her trip to Africa to pick up her children...afterward she got Yellow Fever (from the vaccine), yikes! Hope you are feeling better, Laura! is giving away a free book, check it.
-TLB is da
-I have a volcano on my face and TLB asked me today who my friend was...He's very sensitive.
-mh3 has discovered climbing the stairs and she thinks it's really funny when I use a deep voice and say, "NO!" and carry her away. She goes right back. Dear God, please don't let this child be more crazy than mh2.
-TLB's grandparents have been married for 60 years today. That is so awesome. I look forward to the next 60 years with TLB.
-I will be making cupcakes for mh1's 5th birthday this weekend. No, they will not be decorated beautifully...I wish I had such talent, but they will have sprinkles.

Holler ballers

Friday, March 4, 2011

American Idols

For the record, I think the show is ridiculous and has lost all credibility. I mean, what is a reality show without the insightful, meaningful judgement of Paula Abdul? Anyway, I don't "love" the show but I do tolerate it for the sake of .....TLB. How many of you have husbands that DVR American Idol and never miss an episode??? Oh, I do. So, I sit on the computer working on meaninful projects like, Facebook, while TLB sits around with the little girls and judges 20-year-old up and coming singers. His sexual orientation is in question. (I did hear him just ask the girls if they thought he could be a singer on the show, poor guy).

TLB did definitely hold down the fort this week. 40% (33% if you are counting the dog) of our household came down with the flu this week. TLB stayed home all day with them (everyday this week) and I think he came close to a nervous break down at one point. He survived and the girls are almost fully recovered. If we get another sickness in this house anytime soon, I am going to burn the carpets, throw out every mattress and make the children sleep on plastic, I am going to use only disposable dishes and utensils, isn't bleach a disinfectant? I am going to make them drink a teaspoon a day (just kidding CPS) and I am going to quarantine the children in separate rooms until they are at least 13. Seriously, I might not even let them talk to eachother to avoid cross-contamination.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

It's already been a year

About a year ago I posted the following status update on Facebook, "The moon is full and so is my uterus." A few days later, mh3 entered the world. She has been nothing but a good time for all of us. I have noticed that I have been feeling a little wacky the last week or so, and I really think it's because I am dreading the dat that my baby girl turns one. What am I going to do without that lovey angel hanging off my hip? She is going to grow up and have a smart mouth like the rest of them, and it's going to happen in no time. What if I have to spank her? I am so scared I am going to turn into one of those mothers that babies their baby forever and then they turn into big losers. You know those youngest kids that quit highschool and smoke pot all day, and then they live in your basement and stay up all night playing video games. You know the ones that bum money from their parents for cigarettes and McDonald's (when they're 25). Dude- this is totally going to be me and mh3. Everyone has seen those teenagers that are like, "F You, Mom! I hate you!" and then the mom is like, "Oh you better be quiet" instead of busting a fist upside their head....I don't think TLB will allow that but I totally get it.

Anywho, I am so happy to have that baby girl in my life. She completes us (unless their is some little baby boy around town that is trying to get in here) for the following reasons:
-her bald head is perfectly round and precious
-the way she gets excited and says, "Hi!"
-she LOVES Pisces and calls her "Dada"
-everything that her sisters do makes her laugh
-that fact that she has mh1's body and mh2's head
-she loves her Mama
-her open mouthed kisses that I can't get enough of!
-how she likes to smack me in the face to hear me say, "ow" over and over
-how she still likes to be worn on me in the Moby
-how she blows raspberries and drools all over the place
-how much both of her big sisters enjoy her and love to take care of her

Friday, February 18, 2011

Bossy Britches

Since my last post my Dad called me to tell me that I cannot use my boss's real name on my blog because, "I could get fired". Well, being that I like my boss and I haven't said anything bad about her or the place of my employment, I should be ok, Mr. Pelican Brief, but thanks for asking. But, because I am my own woman and I make my own decisions as a 30-year-old, as soon as my Daddy got on me for using real names, I got on my blog edited my boss's real name out, and so was born the name "Bossy Britches". Really she's not a bossy britches, but I think that name is funny, so here's to you Bossy Britches.

As far as Mr. Pelican Brief (new name for Dad now) let me tell you a little about some of the conspiracy theory kinda stuff I had to deal with as a kid. You know how your parents fill out registration papers and such at the beginning of every school year. Well, Mr. Pelican Brief did the same, yet he always left the section, "Social Security Number_______________" blank. So, I would turn in my paperwork and the teachers would say, "Um, hello little girl, you need to bring your social security number into school tomorrow." Being the compliant child that I was, I would agree and go home and ask my Dad for my social security number. He would say, "No, they don't need it." I would go back to school and try to tell my teacher that. None of the teachers argued the point until I was in 7th grade. That homeroom teacher was a SSN nazi. She refused to accept the fact that the middle school paperworkers did not have my identifying number. So, for about three days I bounced back and forth from my Dad and my teacher in the middle of an argument that I didn't understand. Finally, my Dad told me to have the teacher call him about the SSN. She called him...Guess who's SSN was protected for at least one more year? So it goes, you can see how my weird ideas have been planted and cultivated. You're the best, Mr. Pelican Brief.