Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Part time single parent

I have a post saved about my prom dress and the kardashians but I was getting bored just writing it so I put it in my drafts file.  Tonight I feel like I have something you will want to read about.  For some reason all you sickos like it when I talk about how my children are little-leach-life-suckers.  So, I'll share some things with you:

Saturday I decided to take the girls (by myself) to see the UofL Softball team play.  I was dumb enough to take the "short cut" through Papa John's Stadium just as tens of thousands of people were leaving the football team's spring game.  I sat in standstill traffic for 40 min. all the while I heard these kinds of nonsense coming from the backseat, "When are we going to be there?"  "Why are there so many cars?", "Why are the police there?", "When are we going to be there?" followed by, "When are we going to be there?" and then followed by, "When are we going to be there?"  I heard that enough times that I finally just quit answering them.  Like, I fantasized about being one of the drunk people stumbling out of the stadium.  They are so lucky to be oblivious to the plight of young creatures and their constant NEEDS.  Anywho, after being verbally tortured I finally made it to the vicinity of the softball field.  Of course, there was a track & field meet going on at the same time.  This means I had to park about 59 miles away.  Keep in mind the game is at 2:00 and by the time I park it's going on 3:15!  Have you ever walked with a 3-year-old.  Dang their little fat legs don't hardly move!  So, I decided to carry her...Remember those fat legs I just mentioned, yeah that's like her whole body (chill body image people, I don't tell her to her face she's a chunker....baby if you're reading this via 2025- I kid) so within like 3 blocks I had to put her down cause I was running out of steam, fast.  After I put her down I had to kinda pull her by her hand so that she kinda ran on her tippy toes/floated/hung by one arm.  (Chill CPS!  Her shoulder socket is just fine).  I actually closely watched passing cars to see if I recognized any of the drivers and fantasized that I did and that they picked us up and drove us the rest of they way to the game.  Too bad it never happened...then we came to the dreaded 4 way busy intersection.  I picked up the fat toddler again, then screamed at the other two for the entire walk across one street.  Screamed like, "Stay right with me!"  I was scared to death that they were going to get ran over even though I saw all the cars stopped.  A mother's fear is so weird and irrational.  Anyway, we had to cross again and by the time we got to safety I wanted to lay down and die and cry and just give up on life. (Keep in mind I had finished working out 3 hrs earlier and had yet to eat anything...mama was hungry).  So, we finally make to the gate and right as we are walking through I see an oasis in the desert.  BUD LIGHT TENT.  This is what I suddenly felt like (please watch for the full effect):

So I get my brew and we head for the seats.  We find 4 seats that are directly behind the backstop.  Awesome!  As soon as take the first sip of my beer and I get that, "Ah, now it's all good, we're settled" feeling, the fat toddler says, "I gotta go pee".  So, I get the litter back up and we head for the closest restroom.  I walk up to my guardian angel the lady that just sold me the beer and ask her where the nearest restroom is.  She points me in the direction but tells me I can't take my beer past the gate.  So, I look around and notice there aren't many people where we are.  There is also a pile of rocks suitable to soak up the urine of aforementioned fat toddler.  Her sisters and I create a human tent/shield and said toddler squats and pees on the rocks and mommy's hand.  That's probably illegal but I didn't care.  Imagine what the cop would have thought if they walked up and saw me helping my baby squat in rocks all while holding a beer in a hand dripped in pizz.  Not my most proud moment, but desperate times call for desperate measures.  Since the crisis was adverted we walk back to our seats.  I get settled again, take another sip of my beer when I'll be danged if that little sucker doesn't say, "Mommy I gotta go poop".

I didn't expect this to be so long so, I'll tell you more about our adventure in Kroger today later.

And, yes I only drank one beer.  And, no I did not have her poop in rocks.