Tuesday, June 7, 2016

I like your beard

I haven't had anything to write about in a while but then I was at the gym today and noticed something that I feel pretty passionate about...HAIRY MEN.  Consider the following two pictures.  Take a guess on what I prefer:



If you guessed the dirty, hairy fisherman, you are correct.  The clean shaven boy reminds me of a serial killer.  While I was at the gym I saw a couple of dudes with shaved arms.  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT???  All that tells me is that you also shave your chest.  The thought of a shaved chest makes me want to hurl.  Take a long deep look into the next picture (be careful, I heard d!ckmatized is an actual thing, it might take a while to look away):
Do you see that hairy chest?  If there is a woman that is reading this that wants to tell me you don't like that, send me your location so that I can come beat your @ss for lying.

So, dudes please don't gross me out with your shaved smooth, girly chests.  Men are supposed to be hairy, stinky, and have rough hands. 

Onto further prove my point.  Ladies (or gents if you're into it) look at these pictures and tell me which YOU prefer...

(Full Disclosure:  I'm not going to lie...Tom Hardy could shave all of his entire body and I would still be willing to live on saltines and tap water in his former crack house if he asked me to join him.)

I don't even like this little dork but I'll be danged if he doesn't have a beard AND it's RED...Got me dude.  My friend Nikki hates gingers, my dad's infamous quote is that he'd, "Rather be dead than red on the head".  When I think about red headed men I think of Ireland so, I consider red headed men like I consider The Statue of Liberty...a GIFT from a foreign country.

Then there's this guy:

How in the heck do you not expect me to be attracted to someone that can keep a pet kitty in their face????

The only hair that I find acceptable for a man to take off with razors or lasers is back hair, but that being said, Why would you when you can do something like this?:

Now if you don't have the ability to grow hair on your head- big deal.  Man up and shave that patchy sh!t off to rock a bald head.  This internet article actually says, "...the finding from a new research project which suggests that men who take the preemptive step of shaving their head appear tougher and more powerful than others.  A shaved head indicates dominance, authority and… being in control."

If you have a job that doesn't allow you to have a beard, at least grow a mustache but if they don't allow a mustache, quit.  

If you want to date one of my daughters, you'll also need to know a couple more things.  
Men should NOT:
-use umbrellas
-wear jewelry other than a watch or wedding band
-use hair gel
-use a straw (EVER)
-drive a little sports car
-comment about other chicks in front of the one he's with

Ke$ha said it best, "I like your beard."