Call 911

After work today I pulled into the driveway with a bit of hesitation. Anyone with small children can understand my apprehension. I have 4 children that are ages 31 and under. Ooops, I mean I have 3 children that are ages 4 and under and a husband. Anywho, on any given day I can walk into a nice, parent friendly, loving house. Also, on any given day I can walk into a dirty, hunger stricken, mean, battlefield. The mh's have the ability to create these environments (good or bad). You know how super heros have special powers, well that is there special power. So, I pull in the driveway, take several deep breaths, and check to make sure my weapon is loaded and the safety is off. I get out of the car and instantly I hear a screaming baby sound coming from the front window. Guess which day we were having? I walk around to the back of the car to get the groceries that I just purchased (it really is annoying that I am required by law to feed them...wouldn't starvation be the most effective punishment? (bad joke- I apologize to those of you who were neglected and malnurished as children-not really)) Did you like how I used so many parenthesis? These are the times that I understand why mh2 is possibly ADHD. Ok, back to the story. I am going to need you to really visualize this scene. I look up from the trunk only to see mh2 with her face pressed against the front window, looking at me from the inside of the house. Along with mh2 stands TLB, holding mh3 in one hand. In the other hand he was holding an magna doodle which he had written the following message to me... "HELP".

Not up in here

Today at work I was casually giving a science test to 2 students when via the overhead I hear, "Mrs. Teacher-Lady, please come to the office. Mrs. Teacher-Lady to the office". I immediately jumped from my chair and RAN to the office. When I say ran, I mean the kind of running that you need a sports bra for. The kinda running that would have probably got me fired because these floppy milk bags that some called breasts were threatening to knock people out. I digress (see, I told you I love that). Why was I running you ask? Because there is NEVER a call over the loud speaker during the day. This prevents interuptions in instruction. The only time there is an all call is when there is an emergency (or when my Boss is out of the building because she never lets that go down). This is why my poor pancake boobies were taking out kids as I bolted through the hall. I imagined the worse, of course. I knew it had to be something wrong with one of my children or my husband. I burst open the office door to find 4 women and 2 children standing there waiting for me (it looked like they were packing the heat). I wish I had a camera to capture the look on our secretary's face (pure panic, fear, and shock) as I barged in. I immediately recognized one of the women as one of my student's mothers. Now, the threat is removed from my family, but why is she here I ask myself? Again, I begin to panic. Is something wrong with my student? I gasp, "What's wrong with So-and-so?" (Keep in mind I have just been on a sprint and I am pretty winded. She answers with a casual, "Somebody snatched him up and you need to get So-and-so down here." Whaaaa???? Come to find out, this beast brought in a posse to confront me about the statement that her child made. Well, let me tell you lady, you got the wrong lady. Your intimidation tactics of bringing in a posse ain't gonna happen up in here. So, I said, "Ok, I will go and get So-and-so and meet you in my classroom". I strategically told her this just so I could get a few thoughts together (remember I just recovered from panic and wasn't thinking too clearly just yet) and to get a hit of oxygen from another one of my student's ventilators. (I hope no one from the board is reading because that was a really bad joke). To get to the point, I go and get So-and-so, and ask for back up from the school's counselor. If the sh*t is going down I need better odds than 1 on 4. I can handle 1 on 2 (yeah this mom has come in all gang busters on me before with a group) but 4 is probably pushing my ninga martial art skills. So, we get to the point, and everything is fine now. The problem I am having is that this parent is definitely lacking in basic parenting skills for the 2 years I have known her child. I have never judged her for this. As a matter of fact, I have reached out to her and offered help when I should have just turned her sorry butt over to Child Protective Services to let them deal with it. From now on, no help from me. If the kid walks in with a darn tooth ache I am making a call to the authorities (that sounds so professional). She obviously doesn't want my help and I do feel like there are issues at home that she is trying to divert to our school. Not anymore and not up in here. I am sure you are still wondering why she was there- apparently the child went home yesterday and said, "Ms. Laura (my assistant) snatched me up out of my wheelchair and told me to hurry up." Come to find out, the child was about to fall to the ground and Ms. Laura grabbed him to keep him from hitting his head on the tile floor. Wrong time to advocate for your child, don't you think?

Why, God, why

do I have 3 girls when all I have ever dreamed of my whole life is little boys???? Because I was blessed with an amazing husband. What does this have to do with me wanting little boys, you ask? I have come to believe that women who:
-love themselves
-don't sleep around (because they love themselves and feel loved)
-are confident
-have meaningful relationships with other women
-have meaningful relationships in general
-are good mothers
-are good wives
-won't allow themselves to be victimized
-aren't bullied
-aren't verbally, sexually, or physically abused (goes with that whole loving yourself and not being bullied)
-usually don't get hooked on drugs or alcohol
-usually don't end up naked hanging from a pole

all have something in commom...Daddies that love them. So, the reason I have a gaggle of girls is because I have an awesome husband. God decided to put TLB's awesome potential to good use and give him a bunch of girls. Our mini-humans are destined to do great things for the world. Why else would I be cursed with 3 teenagers who will all have teen angst at the same time?
Also, I really hate it when people people are talking to TLB and say, "I feel sorry for you when they are all teenagers." Really, people?? Guess what little girls, that have an awesome Dad do? That's right, they adore him while hating their mother. TLB gets to sit in the lazy boy watching football, telling them how pretty they are,while Mommy chases them around with a wire hanger.

FYI...I also hate when people call lunch "lonchi"

Idiot Overload

Things that make you an idiot:
-calling a teacher to gripe about challenging your very smart child
-not picking up your child from school when they have butt gravy (that is my new name for diarrhea
-pretending like you're my boss, when you're not, especially if I'm smarter than you
-enjoying 3D movies (that makes you an idiot for spending that much money)

3D movies have nothing to do with my workday but I thought I would throw that in there.

Be smart, don't be an idiot people.

Physical Restraint

People should be way more honest about child rearing. You always hear that raising kids is "hard". You hear this so often that you become insensitive to what "hard" means. Let me tell you what it means. Hard means, staying up late doing laundry while getting up early to have a toddler coughing in your face. Hard is getting 3 little girls ready for church. Hard is making sure they are wearing what other people would deem suitable for church, instead of a bathing suit because it is quicker and easier to put on. Hard is making lunch and nursing the baby before you get to eat. Hard is looking forward to getting a hair cut for the first time in 6 months, even if it is in the middle of my kitchen. Hard is resisting the urge shake your child when everything that comes out of their mouth is whiney or disrespectful. Hard is when everything that your child says is about what they need or want. Hard is having to start leaving your house an hour before you actually walk out of the door. Hard is not being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. Hard is writing your paycheck over to the daycare. Hard is having every room in the house a total mess. Hard is knowing that every decision that you make could have detrimental affects on their life. Hard is restraining yourself from getting in the car and driving very far away. While I would like to drive very far away sometimes, I would also crawl to the ends of the Earth for any one of them.

Mommy is a sicko

I promised to update you on how I would attempt to stunt mh3's growth. I don't want to lose any loyal followers, so I keep my promises.

Being that mh3 is the last baby that I will have- I don't want her to grow up. I want her to be the perfect, non back-talking, baby that she is. For starters, I am going to bind her feet. I am also going to keep her head shaved, continue to nurse her forever, and last but not least- pull her teeth as they come in. I haven't quite figured out how to keep her from running her mouth like her sisters, so if you have any suggestions...I am open for anything (except for locking her in a dark closet).

Also, I made all these plans with my grandma, so I know it's a good idea.

The Last House on the Left

This is a movie that I watched last night. It was directed or written or produced (I can't remember which) by Wes Craven, who is Freddy Kruger, right? Anyway, the movie was scary! It was about a family of homicidal maniacs who left a girl for dead after brutally raping her. Once her family found out they went way more killer than homicidal maniacs, and took justice in their own hands. It was awesome! The parents viciously murdered the killers. I loved watching every second of it's gruesome glory. I usually don't like disgustingly, bloody killer flicks. The reason I loved this so much is because there were NO VICTIMS!! Their little girl was brutally attacked, raped, and shot. Did they sit around and feel sorry for themselves. HELL NO! They handled their darn business. This movie prompted the following announcement from yours truly:

ATTENTION PREDATORS- Let this serve as your warning. If you hurt my child, I will kill you. My daughters will never be victims, I promise, they will fight you. If they lose that fight, I will fight you, and eventually, I will kill you. None of your sneaky, manipulative, disgusting tactics will work on my child. They will NOT harbor your secrets, they will always come to me, and I will always believe them. Not only will I believe them, I will kill you. Think carefully and deeply ponder any violation that you are considering because you will pay with much pain and suffering.

I know I talk a big game (I do mean it) but even so, I pray everyday that God will protect my babies. I pray that they are never scared or ever have to suffer, especially at the hands of another person. I have more to say but I have to stop here or I will start feeling anxiety.

On a lighter note, mh3 has a tooth poking through. More on my attempt to stunt her growth tomorrow.